Yesterday, as usual, I did therapy with Rayyan. We always use animal figurines as reinforcers or rewards as he is 'obsessed' with animals. Bring him to a room full of toys and chances are, he will go to where the animals are. So since he loves them so much, we keep most of his animal figurines and only use them during therapy so that the reinforcers will be strong and he will be more motivated to do the tasks given. And usually, after the therapy, we will let him play with all the animals that he 'earned' as a reward.
So yesterday, while playing with the animals, he started to stim.... meaning, he jumped around while looking at the animals and flapped his arms. I started to observe him and Hubby kept telling him to stop, which he did not of coz.... Suddenly, I got frustrated and snapped! I got up, took the animals away, closed the box and kept the box! Rayyan wailed at the top of his lungs and threw a huge tantrum! I then went to his room and pretended to sleep. Outside, he cried and cried, throwing himself at Hubby and even hitting him! He was reprimanded of coz and he cried louder...
Even though I pretended to sleep, I was a total wreck inside.. I knew that I was wrong in a way because I did not give him any feedback regarding his behaviour, I just took the animals away but I don't know why, I was just consumed with this huge anger and frustration. Looking at my son stimming away, I felt like this huge monster called 'Autism' was swallowing him and he was going deeper and deeper into his own world, away from me. And I felt this strong need to bring him back, to get him back...
Rayyan then came to the room, still crying... He cried for a solid 30 mins or so... He cried till his voice was hoarse.. Still I pretended to sleep.. I knew that I couldn't give in. If I did, it will give him the message that crying works, that by crying, he can get what he wants. So I persevered. He was still crying but it got softer and softer and suddenly I heard him whimper like a broken puppy and that was when my tears started flowing.... My heart just broke into pieces when I heard him whimper like that.
And as soon as he stopped crying, I picked him up, held him tightly and brought him to the balcony. I sang for him and told him why I acted that way. He seemed angry with me but he hugged me tightly. If this is called 'tough love' then I really don't know how long I can stay tough, I really don't know how long I can stay strong for all this...
