Friday, August 6, 2010

Another One?

I am constantly asked when will I have another child. Everybody is encouraging me to have another one so that there is someone to keep Rayyan company. I totally understand that people mean well, but sometimes I just wish that they will stop asking me about this. Seriously, I myself don't know the answer. If Rayyan is normal, I think I would have another one by now, people don't even have to encourage me or ask me about this.

When I see my friends surrounded by their children, I do feel envious and wish that I can have more. And yes, I do want somebody to keep Rayyan company, somebody to play with him, just who knows, Rayyan might just get better if he has a sibling. At times, I will tell Hubby.. OK, let's try and have another one, we never know... But when times are difficult and I just had a bad day with Rayyan, I change my mind, I don't want another one...

Having an autistic child just changes the way you think and everything else. There is always this nagging fear that your next child will be the same too. I know that many others will tell me that well, you never know, the next child might be normal. But do we know for sure? We don't right? And others might also say that well, children are blessings from God, normal or otherwise. Indeed, I know that too.... but unless you have a special needs child, you wouldn't know what it's like to care for one. I am talking not just about the energy required to care for them but also, the money needed for various interventions. Not to mention, the constant headaches and heartaches too.

We love Rayyan with all our hearts and we are really blessed to have him, really we do. But like I said, caring for him requires a lot of energy and I am just afraid that with another ASD kid, we don't have much energy left and in the end, both of them will be neglected. Also, we are just afraid for them... Even with Rayyan now, we worry so much for the future. What more if I have two ASD kids?!

Children are indeed blessings from God. But at the same time, we must be able to shoulder the responsibilites that come with each child. And these responsibilities last a lifetime. So am I ready for another one? I really don't know! So please don't ask me when I will have another child. I will let God decide for me because God knows best...