Monday, September 26, 2011

Make or Break

If you compare my recent posts to my older ones, you will realise that the recent ones are more positive... I focus a lot on Rayyan's strengths, his achievements, big or small. That is me actually trying to look on the brighter side of things, trying not to worry too much and always looking for the positivity in everything. I think I will go insane if I worry everyday, cry everyday... in fact, it has been a really long time since I cried at night, thinking of my son's condition. I have promised myself not to wallow in self-pity but try my best to help him. Yes, I am much stronger now... 

But having said that, it really doesn't mean that I don't worry for him. I worry for him constantly, especially when he displays traits that sets him apart from other NT kids, that make him very 'autistic'.

One of the things that worry me the most is his incessant jumping and flapping... Rayyan is so full of energy it amazes me. Where does all that energy come from? We were told that he needs a lot of hard work to calm him down. Hubby brings him to the playground everyday, makes him do wheelbarrow and gets him to climb stairs all the way to our 11th storey flat. But you know what, after climbing the long flight of stairs, Hubby was totally exhausted and Rayyan not one bit so!

Just the other day, we were at my friend's house for Hari Raya visiting. There were other guests in the house, people we don't know. And there was Rayyan jumping away in front of the television, in the middle of the living room. My friend knows of Rayyan's condition so I wouldn't worry so much if there were no other guests but these people don't know Rayyan and were looking at him in a funny way. To make things worse, he then played with the curtains (or rather, was obsessed with the curtains), get in between the guests and jumped again!

I was totally aghast and since I was having a conversation with my friend, I told my Hubby to handle him but Hubby just ignored my request, continued to just look at him and when I repeated my request, Hubby said that he was tired! Finally, I cut short my conversation with my friend, brought Rayyan to a room where there were toys to distract him and tried to calm him down, away from the guests. Needless to say, I was totally disappointed with Hubby and had a huge argument with him after that. I can understand if he's tired but in this instance, I think that he should pluck up the strength to do something, to think of ways to stop our boy from jumping around people we don't know!! Do you want the whole world to think that your boy is a weirdo??

I am not shy to talk about this as I know that these are the issues that parents of a special needs child face. I know that having a special needs child can either break or make a marriage stronger. It is definitely not easy. Hubby and I, we don't quarrel about 'small' stuffs anymore, we just don't have the time nor energy to do so. If we do argue, it is more often than not, about Rayyan. 

I pray to God to keep our marriage going strong, that whatever we do, we put Rayyan first, his happiness first. I must keep in mind that it is not easy for Hubby to handle Rayyan 24/7, that he does have his off days. I pray for strength, patience and resilience to go through this, not just for myself, but for all of us...