Just spent an exhausting day at work. Looking forward to peace and quiet. Looking forward to seeing my precious boy. But Rayyan was cranky. No, he wasn't just cranky, he was out of control. Kept crying and crying at the top of his lungs. We didn't know what he wanted. Tried to console him but everything seemed to be wrong. He was crying and crying, shouting and shouting...
And suddenly, all hell broke loose. Felt this immense anger consuming me. I was totally furious. And I gave him a beating. I slapped and slapped his legs. Then I walked away. He didn't stop. In fact, it got worse. He was staring at me through his tears and cried and cried and shouted and shouted. And I went over to him and gave him a second round of beating. I felt this huge, mean monster inside me, controlling me. This time round, the two maids in the house (I was at my mum's) intervened. They hugged him and sheltered him and begged me to stop. One even cried.
I then retreated to one of the rooms. Sat down on the bed. I felt numb. I felt angry with myself. I felt disappointed with myself. I felt like crying. But there were no tears. No tears at all. It was a turmoil of emotions. Rayyan wasn't the only one out of control. I was out of control too. Why did I do that? What did he know? He didn't understand...
I then calmed myself down and tried to think of all the possible reasons that made him behave in that manner. And suddenly it dawned on me that it must be the books. He wanted books. You see, Rayyan stims with books, especially books with animal pictures. He will actually look at a page in a book and get excited. He will run or jump or flap his arms. And I don't like to see him behave in that manner so I kept ALL books, both at my place and at my mum's. He was totally cut off from books. First three days after I kept all the books was all right but after that he got cranky and seemed to be looking for something. And the day this episode happened (a few days ago) was the fifth day.
And my prediction was right. When I went out of the room, I saw him opening drawer after drawer and after he finally found a book in one of the drawers, he was his usual happy self! And I then realised that he NEEDS to stim. It is a way for him to calm down, for him to let off steam. And I can't totally cut him off. That wasn't the way. I should have controlled and tried to reduce the stimming but not totally cut him off. Imagine taking away drugs from a drug addict. What do you get? Total mayhem!
We then consulted his teachers and occupational therapist at AAS about this and indeed, they also informed us that we cannot totally cut off his stimming or take away things like that. This has to be done gradually.
And till today, whenever I think of this episode, I feel ashamed. Ashamed with myself. Ashamed for not trying to understand him. Ashamed for using force on my very own son. I should have walked away, I should have retreated when I felt anger mounting in me. I should have been more rational.
And I have been asking myself this question..... Am I even fit to be his mum???