Dumbo

Dumbo is a little elephant with enormous ears. In fact, his ears are so big that he trips over them all the time, producing all kinds of problems. Dumbo is mocked about his ears and snubbed when his clumsiness embarrasses the other elephants. But one day Dumbo discovers that his ears are large enough to act as wings. Upon realizing that Dumbo can fly, his only friend cries, "The very things that held you down are going to carry you up!" As the movie ends, Dumbo is rich, famous and admired by all, performing in the circus as "the world's only flying elephant."

Finding your child's way on the Autism Spectrum - Dr Laura Hendrickson

I am currently reading this book written by a psychiatrist who found out that her son is autistic when he was 2+. She quit her job, helped her son overcome his difficulties and her son was selected as the valedictorian in his high school and is now in one of the top universities in US. Indeed, I have heard lots of stories of famous, brilliant people who are autistic or suspected of being in the autism spectrum... Beethoven, Mozart, George Orwell, Hans Christian Andersen, Einstein, Newton.. just to name a few...

While I can't afford to quit my job, I will do whatever that is within my means to help him. Like Dumbo, I know he will face many challenges and difficulties. As a teacher, I have witnessed how these children are treated in school.. ostracized and mocked. I really hope that Rayyan will overcome this one day. I do not expect him to grow up to be a genius scientist or anybody famous for that matter. I just want him to acquire skills so that he can live independently and I want him to grow up with strong moral values to guide him in life.

Oh God, like Dumbo, please let my Rayyan soar one day...

Love this little lullaby Dumbo's mum sang to him... I teared when I read this. Plan to sing this to Rayyan every night...

Baby mine, don't you cry,

Baby mine, dry your eyes.

Rest your head, close to my heart,

Never to part, baby of mine.

Little one, when you play,

Don't you mind what they say.

Let those eyes sparkle and shine,

Never a tear baby of mine.

From your head to your toes,

You're so sweet, goodness knows.

You are so precious to me,

Cute as can be, baby of mine.

WHY??

Initially, we kept asking... why is this happening to us? Why is it that our son is plagued with this 'illness'? We do not have any family members with autism (not that we know of anyway).. I have bright nephews and niece, so does hubby... So WHY?

These are the possible reasons that I listed in my head..

1) We must have committed too many sins and God is punishing us for our sins.

2) We had Rayyan when I was 32 and hubby was 35 so maybe age played a part here.

3) I didn't take care of my pregnancy.. I remember that I was in NIE (final year) when I conceived him. Life was stressful and I was so busy that I didn't even have a proper gynae. In fact, it got to a point when I thought gynae was not important as the pregnancy was going well (no pains nor morning sickness, nothing) and I just went to KKH for my regular check-ups and finally, checked into KKH to deliver. Again, since I did not have a gynae, the doctor on duty (no specific one) took care of me. And since they were so busy doing their rounds, I wasn't really taken care of. I went through 18 hours of labour and after the harrowing labour, I had to go through C-section as they found that my birth canal was too small and baby couldn't push his way out. This wouldn't have happened if I had a gynae! My baby was distressed because he couldn't make his way out! Maybe that is the reason why he is affected...

4) Maybe it's really because of immunisations. Many mums with ASD kids, in the US especially, believe that immunisations cause autism. This is because their babies are all growing up normally but after going through the 18th month immunisation, they regressed, lost the skills they acquired earlier and it is downhill from then on... I remember that Rayyan was growing normally and healthily earlier... good eye contact, babbling, reaching out for things that he wanted, attentive... I even went through his earlier videos and find that at 19 weeks he was 'communicating' more with us than he is now...

This is a video I took of him when he was 19 weeks.....

At 17 months...

So again... WHY?? Maybe it's one or a combination of those reasons. Maybe it's none of those and it's something else... But you know what, after a while, we decided not to dwell on it anymore. It is better to look at the future than the past. We will never know why and even if we do, what good will it do? We just want to focus on the present now and help our boy. That's most important...

Our dear boy turns 3!

Our dear boy just celebrated his 3rd birthday... it was indeed a joyous occasion for us.. we decided to bring him to Sentosa and stayed at Rasa Sentosa Resort for the night. He went swimming with his Daddy and was amazed at the fish swimming around him at Underwater World... He loves fish and we're happy that he thoroughly enjoyed himself :)

But at the back of our minds, there's a nagging worry.... as he grows older, we worry about how far behind he is compared to other kids.... at 36 months, he is still non-verbal (not speaking) and his creative play is very, very poor. Creative play refers to the way he plays with toys. For example, when you give typical kids two figurines, they will usually make them fight or talk or walk but for our boy, he will just hold the figurine and run around with it. He doesn't know how to engage in creative play.

We are also worried about his stims... 'Stim' refers to self-stimulation, it is something ASD kids do to calm themselves and is somewhat a repetitive or obsessive behaviour... Each ASD kid stims in a different way and for Rayyan, he will jump and flap his arms. And when I say jump, I don't just mean the usual jumping typical kids do, Rayyan can jump non-stop without feeling tired and this, coupled with the flapping of the arms is a constant worry for us. We have tried various ways to stop him but nothing works!

Another worry for us is his communication skills, since he can't talk, it is difficult for him to communicate to us. Since we know him so well, we usually know what he wants but while other typical kids are talking to their parents, learning more about the world through communication, he doesn't. He is happy in his own world and that really saddens us... We want to communicate with him, we want to tell him stories and advices, we just want him to connect with us.... It doesn't matter how long but I will be waiting for the day when he will look into my eyes and we can have a private conversation... I will be waiting...

And to you my dear boy, Happy 3rd birthday darling... Mummy and Daddy love you with all our hearts... You will always be our special boy and we will never trade you for another... And rest assured, as long as we are still alive, we will guide you, teach you and accompany you in this journey. We know it's not easy for you but don't you worry, we will always be here for you... ALWAYS...

All-Time Low

Rayyan is outside having his therapy, bawling at the top of his lungs and I am inside the room, down with a bad flu. I must say that at this moment, life sucks. I have been so busy with work, the school holidays may be here but I have not had a day of break yet. Physically I am exhausted, mentally I am drained. Not only do I have to think of the tonnes of work waiting for me, I worry every minute for my son. Every day I feel I am not doing enough for him and I feel really lousy. My confidence is seeping out of me and I am at my all-time low... I sometimes wish that this is all a bad dream... that I would wake up and find my son smiling and calling out for me, that he's just alright, that there's nothing wrong with him...

But I know that this will never happen... that I cannot run away, that this will not go away... I have to face the truth, I have to be strong, my son is depending on me and I simply cannot let him down. But sometimes I ask myself, do I have the strength to face this? My friends have been telling me that I am given this challenge because God knows I can handle it. God won't give us more than what we can handle. But sometimes, I feel that God has too much confidence in me, that God has overestimated me....

Oh God, please give me the strength to face all this, please give me the strength to tackle this challenge, please give me the strength to do all I can to make my son better... please God...