It has been ages since I updated this blog. So much has happened and I went through a cycle of emotions these past few months or so. In fact, I don't even know how to explain what I went through and how I want to start this post... I will try my best, sorry if everything seems confusing and jumbled up..
Anyway, first of all, I lost one of the most important people in my life recently. My mum. She passed away in March and till now, I am trying my best to cope with her death, with losing her. She was one of my pillars of strength (the other one is my Hubby) and without her, I felt, well, literally unstable. She has always been the one who kept me grounded, who was willing to give me a slap in the face (not literally of course) whenever I did anything wrong. I just miss her so, so much...
Then, there's work. I'm taking more graduating classes this year and I have more projects and duties to handle. I have been spending a lot of time at work and it was very difficult to maintain the work-life balance. It has been very, very difficult for me to cope with the demands of my job and my family..
Then of course, there is my one my only prince, my son, Rayyan. I must admit that I haven't done much for him these past few months. And that made me feel really, really horrible... With the heavy workload, I left everything to my husband.. from his meals, to his school stuffs, to teaching him.. almost everything. It was like I passed the entire baggage to Hubby. You know sometimes you hear stories from Mummies complaining about their hubbies who just work and not involved in their children's lives.. well, I was just like one of those men. Of course, I brought Rayyan out, had fun with him, yes, I did spend time with him. But I didn't really make the effort to teach him or build resources for him. I'm just so busy and tired that when I'm at home, all I want to do is relax and not think about anything else... Yes, I am feeling really, really horrible and guilty thinking about this now.
And basically these are the reasons why I have not been updating my blog... In fact, a few weeks ago, I wanted to close down this blog.. I know that many Mummies read my blog and find some sort of inspiration through this blog.. But I was thinking..... Who am I to inspire other mummies when I myself don't do much? I definitely don't have the right to advise other mummies when these few months or so, all I did was to let my emotions control me and only thought of myself... I was just so, so selfish!
But I have realised my mistakes now... there's no point in thinking about the past and regretting what I did. It's time to learn from my mistakes. I know some Mummies e-mailed me and wanted to seek my advice. I am sorry Mummies for not replying to those e-mails. Like I said, I just felt I don't deserve to give advice in the situation I was in. I will try my best to get back to you when I am feeling much better ya. Please accept my sincerest apologies...
And before I end this post, I would like to thank my ever-patient Hubby for everything. Even though I sometimes refuse to get involved and just want to do nothing but vegetate at home, he stood by me. He never once complained and told me he understood totally how tired I was and he didn't blame me at all. Sometimes I feel God is too kind to me for giving me such a patient and kind husband. Thank you, thank you so much God!!!
It is time for me to switch off my 'denial' mode and start to think of my family, especially my son. Please forgive Mummy, Rayyan. I promise that I will try my best to do more for you from this day onward. I love you and your Daddy with all my heart...
